Thursday, September 25, 2008
More Jokes!
Nothing
Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"I'd like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"Then how come you look so glum?"
"This week - nothing!"
__________________________________________________________________ Hearing Hearing Problems
An old man goes to his doctor and says, “I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what I should do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What's for dinner, honey?”
No response. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what's for supper?”
She says, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”
______________________________________________________________
Everything Needs Balance [Pro Canada!]
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days.
Eventually Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the 7th day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it EARTH and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "That's Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance?"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth ******** I'm putting next to them." __________________________________________________________________You You have to prove it
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.Saint Peter is suitably impressed.
"You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Pablo Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George." _______________________________________________________________
Life is too short
2:42 PM
